a mess, inside & out

Friday, November 15, 2013

"That’s why there’s freedom, even in the blah. Hope, even in the dark."

http://www.ibelieve.com/food-home/live-like-you-have-something-to-offer.html?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=fbpage&utm_campaign=gigupdate

WOW! This, this gives me hope that one day I will realize my "gift" but until then, I still need to live like I have one and not hide myself.

Friendship search

Contemplating today about friends.
How do you as an adult find new friendships? I'm talking about the text at 3am, coffee in the morning, giggle until you wet yourselves friendships.
I suppose that part of the problem is that I have a wall up. I don't like to just let people in- and lets face it- I'm incredibly shy. I don't like to put myself out there. But I'm in need of a true girlfriend in God.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

A mess outside

I have allowed my home to fall into utter chaos.

There are constantly piles of dishes, and clothes. Everywhere. Where do they even come from?

Seriously, where??

I want to get Christmas decor out so bad. But I'll punish myself until I can get this place picked up.
I have lists, a home binder, a great plan... on paper. It's the "actually doing" the chores that is the issue. I just end up pacing the floor, thinking about all the stuff that needs to be done- trying to figure out how to get it all done today. And so, I overwhelm myself into doing nothing at all. After all, if it can't be done perfectly, I can't do it.

So I sit here letting frustration consume me.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

From Angry to Hopeful

I had a miscarriage a year and a half after I was saved. It rocked me to my core. I didn't- still don't- understand.
I am a "new Christian"- you see I was certainly not raised in church. I may have went a handful of times to youth events with friends.
The lifestyle is very difficult. People will tell you it's not easy, and at first your head is filled with all these ideas, like how you will never ever sin again. And then it hits you like a ton of bricks! Being saved, being a christian does not mean that you won't sin- oh boy do you sin- daily, hourly... But if I sin, then others do too, right? Again, you think- oh nope I am alone. Oh to be naive again.
I put more emphasis on what others were doing than me working towards being more like Christ.
Well, guess what? Others sin too. Sometimes little, sometimes big. Sometimes it has nothing to do with you, and sometimes it does.
Now, I'm not sure if I'm angry at God, or angry at the situations that developed at my home church, but I know I'm angry. But I came across this nugget, and it made me realize that, once again, I'm focusing on the "human" side and not on me attaining to be more like Jesus.
Back to the miscarriage- afterwards a truly wonderful friend led me to the song quoted in this article, and I just happened to look the song up yesterday to listen to it again. It doesn't just apply to losing a child, though. I believe in encompasses all doubt, anger, and fear at things that happen that we don't understand- and it reminds us that Jesus is there just to hold us! This article gives me a hope that maybe one day I'll be restored and maybe, just maybe, better than before.

"Held" by Natalie Grant

Two months is too little.
They let him go--
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed, and
Why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life,
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell, we'd be held.

http://www.ibelieve.com/faith/angry-at-god.html